Making space for the unknown
For many of us there’s a prevailing little feeling buzzing in the background of life...wanting to be in control.
It’s different to being controlling over someone or something, it’s a more subtle feeling or tension of wanting to know the outcome of everything we do before we do it. Wanting to know what’s going to happen next. Wanting to prepare ourselves to mitigate discomfort, embarrassment, conflict, heartbreak, or pain even.
When someone asks me a question and my answer is “I don’t know”, I still often feel this tension within myself. Not knowing can feel hard to hold. Our minds can be hardwired to prepare for the worst and it’s an on-going practice to learn to feel a gentle trust and softness to sit in place of that tension.
If you work in a field where predicting future market activity, minimising risk exposure or advising on the best next steps as the ‘expert’, is your bread and butter, this feeling of needing to control can be drummed into us. Our livelihood depends on working to mitigate the unknown, and what happens is we try to apply the same approach to things that need that gentle trust and softness instead – relationships, visions, creativity, difficult but important conversations.
The unknown though is where the really, really great stuff unfolds. How many of you have planned your wedding, a speech, a meeting or an event down to a ‘t’ and the best bits always turn out to be in the unexpected and unplanned?
This doesn’t mean to say we shouldn’t plan or prepare, but it’s doing so whilst learning to let go of the tension over ‘what next’. A teacher of mine always used to say “have a plan and hold it lightly”.
If you’re about to start your year-end performance review or comp conversations, this is a perfect place to practice this. These conversations are not always easy and in wanting to mitigate the uncomfortable, we try and control – going in with a predetermined decision about where we want the conversation to go, or a preconceived idea of how we think the other person is going to respond. This not only produces a lot of anxiety and tension (both for you and the other person) but also leaves little space for the unknown, and the richness in connection, discussion, and authenticity that comes with that.
So whether it’s year-end reviews, a difficult conversation with your partner, friend or colleague, or an important event you have coming up, see if you can make some gentle and soft space for the unknown.